I still remember that fateful night 12 years ago at a university party when I clumsily sat down next to a cute boy at a bar. Not usually a huge talker with strangers, I somehow managed to talk his ear off, without him getting a word in edge-wise and then forced him to dance (something I later found out is literally the last thing he would ever want to do). Luckily, instead of coming off as completely obnoxious, I somehow managed to charm my unsuspecting suitor enough to perpetuate months of flirting after our first meeting. Several months later, after an eventful ski trip with our mutual friends, we finally emerged as an official couple.

Little did we know, a short month thereafter, so early on in our love affair, we would be presented with what seems like an impossible test. That cute boy received a diagnosis of T cell lymphoma and we were both floored. Up until that point, our biggest worries were where to eat and which movies to see. Despite his insistence that I shouldn’t have to deal with this and he would understand if we just stayed friends, I followed my heart and made a decision right then and there to go through this journey together, as a couple. Twelve years later it still remains the best decision I’ve ever made.

You’re going to go through a lot together in a long term relationship and there will be some really amazing moments, some crazy moments and some really tough ones. One thing is for sure, you’ll not only learn a lot about yourself but also about each other, and if you’re open and use every opportunity to learn, change and grow together you’ll emerge victorious. These are my best bits of wisdom I’ve learned in our journey:

1. Learn your love language – If you’re one of my friends and you’re reading this, chances are you’re rolling your eyes. I always talk about this! But for good reason as I think it’s so so important. I was pretty skeptical when we were told we need to take marriage classes before we walk down the aisle. I mean, we made it this far, what could they possibly teach us that we don’t already know? I’ll tell you what – love languages! I had a huge Oprah ‘aha’ moment when I finally realized that a big root of a lot of our fights was because we had different love languages. I associated being loved with verbal praise, while he associated being loved with actions, not words. In retrospect this made so much sense as to why he was always doing things for me to show his love, while I was waiting for him to pour his heart out and tell me regularly how much he loved me. Understandably, we both weren’t feeling as loved as we wanted to be because we were reading the wrong signs. Once I realized this, I learned to accept him cooking dinner, cleaning the house, fixing my car as the verbal ‘I love you’ I was waiting for.

 

1. Have separate lives – I think we all know those couples – the ones that are literally glued at the hip and attend every event together. That’s all fine and understandable in the honeymoon phase, but eventually when you un-glue yourself from your partner and the hormones relax, you’ll actually have to talk to each, and if you’ve been the living the same exact life, it’s likely you won’t have much to talk about. If you take the time to cultivate your own interests and have your own life outside your relationship, it will only give you more to bring back into your relationship when you two are together. Make sure to also give each other space and lots of trust in the process – insert old cliché about loving someone and letting them go. Remember, you are not two halves that make a whole, you are two whole, separate people who share a life. Plan regular girl’s nights, take up a hobby, get passionate about something and then when you’re back with your man – tell him all about it.

 

1. Never stop dating one another – that being said above, when you two are together – try to keep it interesting once in a while. As much as you resist, you will ultimately fall into a comfortable routine with your significant other, you’ll come home, make dinner, watch TV, go to sleep, repeat. There’s nothing wrong with that! It shows you’re comfortable with your partner and can be your true self – but it can get stale from time to time. To keep growing together you need to keep sharing experiences together. I’m not just talking about a regular ‘date night’ – honestly, I’m not even that keen on scheduling romance – but more so, regular breaks from routine, whether you spontaneously decide to go out for happy hour one day after work, or if one of you decides you must go out for ice cream at 11pm at night or my personal favourite, travelling together, go with the flow and try to surprise one another.

 

1. Be kind to one another – really – I know you’ve heard this one before, and at the risk of sounding cliché, being kind to one another is super important. It may seem like an obvious one, but really, when was the last time you gave your significant other a genuine compliment or just spontaneously hugged them for no reason? More specifically, I’d like to advise everyone to take up what I like to call deliberate or conscious kindness. It’s a conscious choice, or planned attempt, to be kind and grateful towards your partner. It’s making sure you kiss each other before you leave the house and when you get home from work, it’s giving them a wink and compliment when they look especially nice, it’s letting the little things go once in a while, it’s doing something around the house without being asked to, just because your partner looks tired. Use kind words, use kind gestures and create an environment where you both feel seen, appreciated and safe. The world can be cruel and harsh, but your love bubble should be a haven.

Bottom line – You’ll go through a lot of ups and downs over the course of your relationship. There will be days when you want to strangle your partner and other days when you tear up just thinking how wonderful thy are and how much you love them – and it’s totally normal for these feelings to coexist in a long term relationship. The trick is to know and understand this and to ride out the waves together, committed to each other and your partnership.

I recently met the sweetest 90 year man who introduced me to his wife of 65 years. I was so moved by the visible love and admiration between them. Of course, as one does, I had to ask what their secret was. He told me, along with being kind to one another, making each other laugh and being best friends, above all else, you have to choose to love each other each every day. Love is a conscious choice that we make every day when we make up, to radiate it, to accept it and to show it. Wake up every day and choose love, and the rest will fall into place.

Spread the love,

xo

Irene